Hello!
Hi everyone. I'm Hannah. It's not my real name and neither is Train. The truth is, I am a trans woman. I come from a place, a culture, where it's really not okay to be a trans woman. I told my parents once when I was younger and it went so wrong you wouldn't believe. I gave up on the idea of transition back then, because my father's reaction was so severe. I came to believe I had other problems and tried to forget about it.
A couple years ago, I had an AI generate an image of myself gender-swapped from a photo shoot. It felt like me in a way that no other picture of myself has. I couldn't bear to look at it for too long. Most days I still can't.
Most days I am ok. Some days I really struggle knowing both that I could never look like that photo, or that my voice would never be right compared to what I imagine for that photo. I think about the social prejudices of everyone in the world, most people I know, things like that. I've never been a masculine guy, but I have felt disconnected from myself and my body for my whole life because of this and I wish I could snap my fingers.
Media tells me sometimes that I am lucky to be male because women have it harder in this world. I agree with that. Well, I agree with the second part. I do not feel so lucky because, regardless of all that, it isn't what I want and never has been, for as long as I can remember. I would snap my fingers in an instant and switch sexes if I could.
I worry a lot about people's prejudices, about never passing, and about never fitting the ideal vision in my head of what I could be like as a woman. I carry a lot of shame with me about this whole thing. That is why I started this website. I think having an outlet would be good for me, to chronicle thoughts sometimes.
One day, when I am in a better place about all this, I will delete all of it and use this website for something else. Until then, I hope that anyone who stumbles across this humble little website who might be dealing with similar things might feel a little less alone after.